"I Am God"

As I struggle to understand the plans God has in store for me and the direction of my life, there is one song that has sort of become "my song" recently. It's called "I Am God" by Kirk Franklin (ft. Toby Mac). At youth we play it to get all the kids together to start the lesson for that day; it has a really cool beat and sounds "youth-like", but as I began to really listen to the words, I became overwhelmed by the message and just how hard it is to actually live it out. I feel like this is what God is telling me to do right now. Be still and know that He is God. Not me. This isn't MY life, or MY job, or MY hands or feet or eyes or ears. God IS in control. And deep down inside I really do know that. The big test comes on the days that I feel like I can't handle the stress any more, that I feel like my life is just somewhere in the middle, just average, and I want desperately to change it myself in that moment. I feel the tug on my heart. I know I am meant for something more than sitting in an office of 4 at a desk for 40 hours a week. I also know that I am using my talents right now, but I don't feel the passion that I know is inside of me. The passion to change lives and help people. To serve. To further God's kingdom. I was created for something more. And perhaps I just don't know how to do that where I work now. At first I thought it was so neat that I would work for a Christian company. Don't get me wrong. I am certainly blessed to be able to worship in my workplace with no restrictions. We pray before a meal together, we talk about our Bible studies and pump worship music over the stereo. But there's still something missing for me. I'm not sure what that looks like right now. But as I wait, my prayer is that I would recognize God as the One who has it all worked out. He's growing me right now. He's trying to get my attention and make sure that I understand that I am to be still and know that HE is God. Not me. But I struggle and ask, "Can I get up now?" I remember asking that as a little girl after being put in time out. When will this wait be over? When will I feel free? I pray for clarity and my obedience and response to what God calls me to do. That I won't miss it when it comes my way.

The song is a sweet picture of struggle between human and God and how we long to make our own plans. I have this fantastic vision in my mind of a fight, an on-going wear-and-tear struggle that, in the end, desolves into surrender. (Perhaps I can get the vision out into a video/slideshow if I can figure it out. I think it would be a powerful visual reminder.) We don't want to change some things. We don't want to wait on God to reveal His perfect plan to us. We want to pick and choose. We feel like we're being "dumped" on and that "it's not fair", like we're being ripped to shreds because we are going through a trial. We push God away in the struggle, yet He still pursues us. What a picture of love. But then in the end we realize that God already has it worked out. And then...surrender. We come to understand that God doesn't have to reveal all he knows to us. If He did, we would have no need for faith. No need to grow. All we have to do is let God be. That's enough.

But me, I like to pick and choose. I'll admit that I'm scared because I don't know what is in store for me. I don't like the unknown. I want to make my own plans, but I'm scared to do anything at all in fear it won't be what God is calling me to do. So, I wait. In silence. And as I wait, I am being broken. And as I am broken I am learning to surrender to the sweet plan of Jesus. And I'll continue to wait until He leads me to where He wants me to be. And I know that when I come out on the other side, I'll be thankful for this trial and the growth that will have taken place. Afterall, I did pray that my relationship with Jesus would become more intimate...

Song lyrics:

God, I know You up to something.
I can see it all right now.
You pulling back my covers. It's getting crazy.

Think I'm gonna walk away
You're messing up my life today
This time I refuse to pray
Still you keep calling me
I don't wanna see your face
The thing I love you erased (Come on!)
Nothing but an empty space
Now I don't know how to be
I know it wasn't right for me. (Yea!)
What you liking what you need.
I feel like I'm in surgery
Still you cut deeper
My secrets within
My blanket of sin
Lord how much longer 'till ya through with me
Please take what you need (Can I get up now!)

Be still and know I am God
Be still and know I am God

Lord your ways are not my way
Everything you don't explain
Some things I don't want to change
So you keep breaking me (There you go!)
It's like I'm fighting for my life (woo!)
You hit me with another right
I feel like Jacob in the night
Won't stop 'till you bless me
My flesh and my will (Yes father!)
Is yours not to kill (To kill!)
Bringing myself to you (Come on!)
But living sacrifice is more (Can I get up now)

Be still and know I am God
Be still and know (yea) I am God
Be still and know I am God (You are God! You are God! Gotta know! Gotta know!)
Be still (Be still) and know (and know) I am God (yea!)

If I could I'd fly away from here
But even when I'm far you still are near
I gotta get out (There's no way out)
Where is there to run (There's no where to run)
Don't go (Don't go) Don't go (Can't go) No! No! No! (Whoa!)
You win. (uh huh!)
I've been trying to do it on my own. (Yes Lord!)
But right now I gotta surrender.
You know what's best. (Say it like you mean it!)
It's not easy waiting on you.
It's not easy believing that you got this together.
But without faith it is impossible to please you. (We recognize you!)
So I'm gonna stand right here. (We are still before you!)
You got me. (We are still before you!)
You got me. You got me.

Be still and know (we know!) I am God
(We gonna lift those hands. I surrender to your authority God! I surrender!)
Be still (we're still!) and know (we know!) I am God (I give you my will)
Be still (I'm yours!) and know (we know!) (I'm yours!) I am God
(I'm tired of living on my own! I'm tired of living on my own!)
Be still and know (we know!) I am God (You are God!)